A Feeling Stronger Than Fear
by rose-lou
Summary: {we're pretending Will just isn't around anymore, and that JJ and Hotch were a thing previous to the abduction} / How JJ is copying after "200". Because we all know they forgot to finish JJ's storyline.
1. Chapter 1

**AN:** This is my first _Criminal Minds_ story. This is the first time I write fanfiction in over 5 years, so please bear with me.

**I do not own _Criminal Minds_ or its characters**

* * *

"_No more lies," JJ said, burying her face into Hotch's chest. He kissed the top of her head, and drew her closer to him. _

Once JJ had made sure Cruz was well taken care of, and successfully convinced the paramedics that she was fine, the team had driven to the bar to celebrate. Everyone needed a drink; they had rescued their friends, and Emily was in town as a bonus.

They cheered and drank, laughed and talked, taking comfort in knowing that once again their family was safe.

As the adrenaline wore off, JJ started shivering. The events of the past 48 hours took a toll on her body. Her left side was starting to hurt when she laughed or breathed too deeply, and her cheek was stinging. JJ sipped her second drink, barely listening to the conversations. She looked up at Hotchner who was talking to Derek.

"Hey Hotch, would you mind if we leave now?" she interrupted. "I'm getting tired." She smiled apologetically at Morgan who smiled right back at her.

JJ hugged everyone and said goodnight. Garcia held onto her longer than anyone else had, and told her she loved her. JJ made Emily promise to call her soon; it had been way too long since their last phone call.

On the way home, she fell asleep in the car, she was exhausted. Hotch parked their SUV in the driveway, unbuckled her seatbelt, and shook her shoulder gently.

She raised her head, and looked around. She was surprised she had fallen asleep. "Where are Henry and Jack?" she asked him. She bit her lip feeling guilty. She should have asked about them sooner.

"They're with my mother," Hotch said. "Don't worry about Henry. She said she'll keep them with her all week. Jack hadn't seen my parents in over a month. It'll be good for him, for both of them, to spend time in Florida, and that way you can rest."

They walked up to the door hand in hand. He unlocked it, and they both got inside. The house was dark and quiet. A shiver went down her spine, and she reached for the light switch quickly. She let out a breath she didn't know she was holding when the light flooded the hallway and their living room.

"I'm gonna take a shower real quick," JJ told him. Emily had given her make-up removing cloths in the car so she could clean the dirt and blood off her face and arms before going to the bar, but now she was desperate for a hot shower.

Hotchner nodded, and he followed her to their room. JJ walked to the dresser, grabbed an old t-shirt and clean underwear before walking to the bathroom. Hotch just sat on their bed, looking at the closed door. JJ seemed okay, but was she really? He knew her, and he knew she hated showing any sign of weakness. He waited until he heard the water running to get undressed, and get under the covers.

JJ turned on the hot water, slipped out of her pants, and winced when she pulled her shirt over her head. She looked down at her side; there was definitely a bruise appearing on her left side. She probably had a couple of bruised ribs. She'd live, she had gone through worse. JJ got in the shower and undid her hair. The water felt good, cleansing. She put her head under the water, and closed her eyes.

Hastings' face appeared in her mind. She gasped, opened her eyes, and instinctively took a step back. _"It's over,"_ she told herself. There was no way she was going to let him _break_ her. _"Did he break me?"_ He was not going to invade her thoughts like that. She washed her hair, and scrubbed her body before rinsing herself quickly.

By the time she got out of the bathroom, Hotch was in bed, checking his emails on his phone. The cat was curled up at his feet, and she was snoring. "_Typical," _she thought. "_See, nothing has changed_," she reassured herself. JJ slipped in next to him, and grabbed her iPad on the nightstand. Hotch looked up from his phone.

"Do you want to talk about what happened?" he asked quietly.

"There's nothing to talk about," she replied. "I'm okay."

"Maybe I should have insisted more on you going to the hospital," he added. "Just to be safe."

"I'm fine, Hotch. Really." Wanting to put an end to the conversation, JJ put her iPad back on the nightstand, turned off her light and lied down. "We need new pillows."

"New pillows?" Hotch asked, taken aback by the casualness of her comment.

"Yes, new pillows. These are getting flat, don't you think? I noticed it last week, but I forgot to mention it. We were so busy with a case, and then Jack got sick. Spencer told me you are supposed to change them every 6 months. You wouldn't believe how much dust and dead skin a pillow accumulates in half a year…"

"I see…" Hotch said, uncertain. "Well, we can get new pillows tomorrow, or this weekend. Whenever you feel like it." He was definitely getting concerned about JJ. She wasn't facing whatever had happened in that building.

"Tomorrow sounds good," she replied. JJ turned to face him, and slipped her arm around his waist. As soon as her head hit his chest, she was out.

Hotchner pulled the blankets tightly around them. He rested his chin on the top of her head, his arms wrapped around her, and waited. He knew from experience that JJ had trouble sleeping after horrible cases. She would trash and kick, and sometimes she'd cry. He expected tonight to be particularly difficult, and he didn't want to sleep. He thought maybe if he stayed awake and hold her tight enough, he could protect her from horrific dreams.

TBC...

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Please leave a review! :) It's highly appreciated.


	2. Chapter 2

Special thank you to JJmyst, i-Linda and Casie01 for the reviews.  
Thank you to everyone who follows this story.

**AN:** I didn't expect to have Chapter II up so soon, but it was getting really long so I decided to split it in two.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own _Criminal Minds_ or its characters.

* * *

JJ had been asleep for a bit over an hour now. Hotch hadn't closed his eyes, he just sat there listening to the sound of the rain with his arms wrapped around her. From time to time, JJ would move her head, or let out a sigh, but she appeared to be at peace. Whatever she was dreaming about didn't seem to involve anything horrifying, and for that he was grateful.

When situations like that arose, SSA Aaron Hotchner had a hard time just being Aaron. The man so in love with JJ didn't easily come out. It was easier to hide his feelings behind his FBI armour, and try to protect the people he loved. He felt like he had failed her. The thing was he didn't think he had ever felt this scared. Losing, for a second time, the person he loved the most… He was pretty sure his heart couldn't handle it. He was lost in his thoughts, feeling guilty about the way he had reacted earlier. Maybe he should have hugged her longer, kissed her harder, told her he loved her, and insisted more on her telling him what had happened. Instead he had let JJ lead the way, hoping she would confide in him. "_Give her some time_," he told himself. _"It just happened; she was rescued not even 4 hours ago. She just needs time." _But he knew with JJ if she didn't open up as soon as it happened, she wouldn't open up at all. Hotch would have to be patient. He would have to gently pry the information out of her until she could no longer keep it all inside.

Hotch looked down at the woman in his arm, and as he kissed the top of her head, his phone silently vibrated on his nightstand, lighting up the room.

He picked it up, careful not to disturb JJ, and smiled when he saw Penelope Garcia's text message on his screen.

"Is she okay? Do you need anything?"

He wasn't the only one worrying about the young agent asleep in their bed. Hotch knew that all his team wouldn't find sleep easy that night. It had been too close to home, two of their own had been in peril. With one hand, he replied telling her that JJ was sleeping, and that she seemed fine. He would know more in the morning, and that she should get some sleep.

"You should too, Sir."

Hotch put his phone back on the nightstand, and decided to listen to Garcia's advice. A few hours of sleep would do him some good, and JJ seemed to be sleeping peacefully. He lowered himself onto the pillows, pulled JJ closer, and closed his eyes.

He was woken up the next morning by a groan. He opened one eye, and stared down at the woman still tangled in his arms.

"Good morning," he said.

"Good morning," she hissed through clenched teeth.

By the tone of her voice he automatically knew something was wrong. The veil of sleep lifted up, and he sat up.

"What's wrong, JJ?"

"Nothing, I'm just sore. And my left arm is asleep. I guess I slept on it for too long." She looked up at him and smiled a tentative smile. "I'm okay, don't worry."

"Jay, you keep on claiming you are okay since last night, which leads me to think you really aren't. Do you want to talk about anything that happened…when you and Agent Cruz were…"

"Abducted," she finished for him. "There's nothing to tell. Hastings was a sick son of a bitch, and now he's gone." Wanting nothing more than to change the subject, she struggled to sit up. "How about we get coffee, and go shopping for new pillows and maybe new furniture for the kids? We never get to have a Friday to ourselves. A _normal_ Friday!" she exclaimed a little too cheerfully.

She beat herself mentally, "_you're overdoing it. Shimmer down or he'll know something is up."_ But was there really something wrong? She felt good emotionally. Granted, she felt terrible physically, but she didn't want him to worry over it. She'd heal in no time. JJ really just didn't want to talk about it; there was no need to conjure the demons of her past. A past she had come to term with, or so she thought.

Hotch looked at her with evident concern. He didn't know how he was supposed to react, part of him wanted to scream at her, tell her it wasn't normal to go shopping the day after being rescued from a sadistic killer and his accomplice, but on the other hand, he wanted to believe that JJ was okay. Not wanting to upset her, he agreed.

"It definitely would be nice to go out and have a casual Friday, only if you feel up to it," he insisted. "The boys really do need new beds. I was thinking we should get them bunk beds, so they would have more space to play in their room."

At his words, JJ's face lightened up, and for the first time since he got her back, Hotch could see a gleam of happiness in her eyes. That little extra spark she had that made him fall for her years ago. He felt more at ease now that his JJ was back.

"Aaron," she said solemnly. "Would you like to accompany me to the mall? I promise to buy you coffee." She smiled.

"But only if you let me buy you those pillows, Miss Jareau." At that, she couldn't help but laugh an honest laugh that made her wince. She held her left side, and breathed out slowly.

"Deal!" she exclaimed. The blonde woman got out of bed, and got dressed. Hotch stayed where he was, concerned etched all over his face. JJ was obviously in pain, and it killed him inside. He shouldn't have accepted to go out today.

JJ made her way to their bathroom to brush her teeth. Hotch quickly got dressed and joined her. By the time he got in there, she had already concealed the cut on cheek. He saw her grab the bottle of ibuprofen. She shook 4 pills out of the container, and swallowed them quickly.

"If you hurt maybe we should go to the hospital," Hotch told her. "They could probably give you something for the pain."

She looked him in the eyes, and made a point in ignoring his remark, before pulling her hair up in a ponytail. "Waiting for you in the car," JJ said.

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**AN:** Thank you for reading! It would mean a lot if you could take 2 seconds to leave a short review, just so I know you guys are reading… I'll try and have chapter 3 before the end of the week.

Since I just got back into writing again, if you have any fic requests, you can PM me. I could probably give it a shot!


	3. Chapter 3

_Special thank you to shvanka, anon, loveAJCookalways and BAUMember for the reviews._

**A/N:** whew, this chapter was harder to write then I thought it would be. I would only get inspired when I showered, and there are so many showers one can take in a day! Once again, this chapter was getting a bit too long, so I split it into two, so this story is going to be a lot longer than I first anticipated. This chapter is a bit more about Hotch, but it had to be done in order to set everything. Hope you like it!

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JJ had made him go into all the stores he was pretty sure he never would have gone into on his own. They had spent most of their time at Bed Bath and Beyond, where she had made him try all the pillows available. She couldn't make up her mind about what she wanted. Light and fluffy, or firm? He had no preference, and she had quickly gotten annoyed with him. After deciding they would take two of each, she stated that they needed new bedspreads for the kids if they were to get new beds. Hotch hadn't seen the point in it, but JJ seemed to be set on it, and so he hadn't said a thing. She had then dragged him to Ikea where, to his joy, they had quickly decided on the boys new bunk beds.

It was clear that all this walking around at taken a toll on JJ. She was walking slower, she kept holding her left side, and her energetic chatter had given way to silence. To Hotch's surprise, she didn't complain when he proposed to go get a last coffee, and go home.

Three hours later, Hotch was behind the wheel, and was driving them home. The car was silent, except for the coming and going if the wipers. It had been raining non-stop since the night before. Just like when he'd parked the car the previous evening, JJ was asleep in her seat, her head resting on the window, the almost empty cup of coffee she was holding threatening to spill over. The agent reached out to grab the goblet before it fell, but at the same time JJ woke up startled. She gasped and sent the cup flying, the leftover coffee splattering her shirt and pants.

"Shit!" she muttered. The young woman took a deep breathe, willing her heart to slow down.

"I'm sorry, Jay. I didn't mean to scare you like that," Hotch said, taken aback by her sudden move. JJ wasn't one to be frightened easily. He was pretty sure she could sleep through an earthquake. How many mornings did he have to shake her gently awake because she hadn't heard the alarm? _"But this isn't under normal circumstances, she just went through hell,"_ he thought.

"No, no, it's me," she sighed. "I was having a weird dream, and…damn, that's my favorite blouse. It's ruined..." She looked up at him, and their eyes met. JJ didn't know why, but she felt uncomfortable by the genuine look of concern she saw on his face. She felt guilty, guilty for worrying him. He didn't deserve this, not after what he had gone through with Haley.

Feeling tears coming on, she quickly unbuckled her seatbelt, and leaned forward to grab the cup on the floor, before getting out of the car. She started to walk to the back of the car, but Hotch stopped her.

"It's okay," he said loud enough to be heard over the strong wind. "I'll get the bags, and we can bring in the boxes when it's not raining so hard."

The blonde nodded before walking briskly to the porch. JJ took her keys out, and unlocked the door, but she waited on Hotch before going in.

* * *

Once inside, she dropped the keys on the coffee table, and stood there her arms crossed over her chest, staring into nothing. Hotch had started to make it down the hall to their bedroom, but stopped when he noticed she was following. Taking a step back, he turned his head, and saw a frisson shake her body.

"You should probably change into something dry," he called out.

"Yeah, I think I'm going to take a shower," she said absentmindedly. JJ joined him in the hallway, moving slowly behind him. They silently walked to the bedroom before he asked, "What was it about?"

"uh?" Her mind was clearly somewhere else.

"Your dream? You said you were having a weird dream in the car." He stared at her.

"I…I don't remember," she replied, biting her lip. Something he knew she did when she wasn't being entirely truthful, or when she was embarrassed. The thing was she wasn't lying, not really. She truly didn't remember what it was about, but she knew it had been scary. She had woken up with a feeling of dread she just couldn't shake. This dream she couldn't recall had drained her of all her energy.

Hotch knew better than to push it. He knew something was going on, of course. She had been kidnapped. She had been tortured for hours before they found her. God only knew what JJ had been through. He hadn't been interested in reading the statement she had given to Rossi. He didn't know if it was because he wanted to wait until JJ herself felt ready to tell him, or if he was scared he couldn't handle what was written in her file. But he was afraid he was witnessing the start of her breakdown. Since she had been rescued, the young agent had done everything she could to keep it together, to act normal. He knew the shopping trip was nothing more than JJ trying to prove to herself she was still control of her life. Hotch knew that control was very important to her, and Hastings had taken it from her.

* * *

JJ was arranging the new pillows on their bed. She wasn't really interested in what she was doing, but she tried her best to look absorbed in the task to avoid any small talk. She could feel Hotch staring at her. They both didn't know what to say, how to act. The tension in the room was palpable.

Finally, he couldn't take it anymore. Hotch wanted to show he cared, that he wasn't going anywhere. That life could still be what it was before, so he said,

"Mind if I join you? In the shower I mean."

She turned around, and smiled. It wasn't her usual eyes sparkling smile, but it was something.

"I'd like that very much." She gathered the plastic wrapping of the pillows she had torn moments ago, and put them in the plastic shopping bag before walking to him. She wrapped her arms around his neck, and pulled him closer to her for a kiss.

"I love you, SSA Hotchner," she whispered between kisses.

"I love you more, Agent Jareau," he whispered back, holding her tight to him, his arms wrapped around her shoulders.

* * *

JJ got in the shower before him. True to her messy self, she had left a trail of clothes behind. Shaking his head with a smile, Aaron picked them up one by one, and dropped them in them in the laundry basket. The steam had already filled the room when he slid the shower door open to get in with his girlfriend.

Life as special agents was demanding, they were always on a schedule, so as he did almost every morning when they showered together to save time, Hotch embraced her from behind, and held her firmly to his chest. He was about to kiss her neck when he realized something was wrong.

Instead of leaning her head back against his chest like she usually did, JJ pulled forward, her knees buckling. She let out a moan as she felt a sharp pain shooting through her left side.

Hotch broke her fall, holding her under her arms, and when she got her footing back, she turned slightly towards him, and that's when he saw it, the dark purple bruise mottling her left side. And were those burn marks? He felt the color draining from his face, and his breath hitched in his throat.

"Jay… I…"

He stood there, with a look of absolute horror in his eyes, the water restlessly coming down on them both. How could he not have seen it before? Why hadn't he insisted on her going to the hospital? Why, why, why? The realization of what she had been through finally coming down on him, paralyzing him.

JJ didn't move, she didn't look up. She stayed still, trying to breathe normally through the remaining of the pain. She waited for Hotch to speak again. She didn't have anything to say. It was only a bruise. He didn't know, and he had accidently squeezed her too tight. Why was reacting this way? He wasn't the one who had been beaten, tortured. She was fine. Couldn't he see that? JJ looked up at him defiantly, was he going to say something?

"Quit staring at me like that," she demanded through clenched teeth. She wiped the water from her face, unintentionally removing the concealer off her cheek, revealing the cut on her face.

But he couldn't stop; he was frozen, and then from the swipe of her hand, a little cut appeared on her cheek, surrounded by a yellowish bruise. He had seen that injury before, when she was first rescued, but its reappearance broke his emotional dam. His shock became anger. Why was she acting this way? Didn't she care about her well-being, about what had happened? Why wasn't she displaying any emotions? He felt the heat rise in him, bubbling inside until it was too much.

"Why the hell didn't you let the paramedics take you to the hospital last night?" he yelled. "Why did you lie to them, to me?" Hotch saw her shrink back at his tone and she lowered her gaze, but he couldn't help himself. "What if you have broken ribs? What if they had puncture a lung in your sleep? Don't you care?" He knew he was being irrational, yelling at her wasn't going to get them anywhere, and he was probably over-reacting, but he simply cared too much. He felt his eyes welling up at her sight. JJ who had always been strong, always been happy was now struggling to keep herself together. The agent couldn't help but blame himself. Where had he been? Why hadn't he been able to protect her? Hotch was plagued with guilt, but his feelings didn't matter. Not now. He stretched out his arm, and gently lifted her chin so she'd look at him.

"You aren't invincible, JJ. And I don't know what I'd do if I lost you."

At his words, the woman finally broke down. Tears she didn't know she was holding came free and violent sobs racked her body. Hotch pulled her close to him, and rubbed her back soothingly, relieved that she was finally exhibiting signs of grief.

"It's okay," he murmured. "It's going to be okay."

Only he didn't know how hard it would be, before they'd be okay again.

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**A/N:** Happy Easter to those of you who celebrate! The next chapter should be up early next week, if not sooner. I don't know how busy I will be with the festivities.

As usual, if you could take a few minutes to leave reviews/feedback so I know at least one person is reading that would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!


	4. Chapter 4

**AN:** Thank you to Climz for the review.

I'm not sure I'm pleased with this chapter, but I wanted to have something out today as I'll be quite busy this week. Please let me know how you like this chapter. Texts in italics are either dreams or flashbacks.

* * *

Not long after they got out of the shower, and put on their FBI sweats, the couple sat down lazily in front of the television. Neither Hotch nor JJ cared what was on. They were both emotionally and physically exhausted. Hotch had suggested they order pizza since neither of them had had a proper meal in over 48 hours, but JJ told him she wasn't that hungry. They had settled for toasts in front of whatever movie was showing on the movie network. JJ rested her head on Hotch's shoulder, and it wasn't long before she drifted off to sleep.

* * *

_"You have any plans tonight?" Spencer asks. "Uh, does sleeping count as a plan?" They walk together to the elevator. As they wait for it, Reid looks at her. "I'm going to a Korean film festival in Georgetown. You can come with me if you want. A lot of the entries probably aren't subtitled yet, but I can do a simultaneous whisper translation while we watch," he tells her. "Sounds fun." They get out of the elevator, and exit the government building. "I'm tired," JJ says. "I'm going to go home, have fun tonight." They keep walking for a while, and then she feels herself being pulled from behind. Someone covers her mouth and drags her way. Spencer just stands there and waves at her._

JJ woke up with a jerk, drenched in cold sweats. She struggled frantically against the restraints of the blankets under which she felt she was suffocating. Hotch who had dozed off as well, was abruptly awaken by the young woman's sudden movements. All JJ could hear was the pounding of her heart echoing in her ears, as she tried to calm her uneven breathing. She didn't register that someone else was there with her. And so, when Hotch posed a reassuring hand on her leg, she instinctively pulled her knees up to her chest, and scooted away from him.

"JJ, it's okay. It's me…Hotch." He saw her relaxed a bit, and he encouraged her further. "It's okay, you're safe. It was just a nightmare, come here." He extended his arms at her.

JJ let out a shaky breath, and as soon as she realized she was home, safe, she leaned heavily into him, tucking her head underneath his chin. Hotch wrapped his arms around her trembling body, and let her cried. Aaron rocked her back and forth, rubbing her back comfortingly, until he could no longer hear her sobs.

"Jay?" he asked tentatively. He didn't want to move in case she had fallen back asleep.

The blonde woman was still conscious, but she didn't say anything; she just laid there in his arms shivering uncontrollably. She didn't know why she was shaking. She didn't feel cold; she didn't think she could feel anything. JJ tried to stay still, hoping the last of her nightmare would quickly dissipate. She closed her eyes, and was lulled by Hotch's strong and steady heartbeat.

She was roused again by Hotch's voice. They had been lying on the couch, tangled in each other for an additional fifteen minutes. He hadn't wanted to disrupt what he hoped was a restful sleep, but she was still shaking in his arms, and he getting worried.

"Jay, are you cold sweetie?" He brushed a strand of her hair out of her eyes.

She slowly pushed herself into a sitting position, staying as close as possible to Hotch's warm body. JJ hadn't said a word since she had woken up from her nightmare. She raised a shaking hand, and pulled back the stray strands of hair stuck to her forehead.

"Maybe we should go upstairs and get you changed into something else," Hotch tried again.

That's when she realized that her top was soaked with sweat. She tilted her head to face him, and saw that his shirt where she had been pressed was drenched as well.

"Oh," was all she could muster.

* * *

He led her silently to their bedroom upstairs, and once they got there, Hotch guided her to their bed where she sat. He walked to their dresser, and changed his shirt before grabbing one of JJ's pajamas tops. Hotch then helped her out of her wet t-shirt, discarded it on the floor, and pulled the clean top over her head.

Once she had changed, JJ was feeling a lot better. Hotch sat down next to her, and held her hand. She laid her head on his shoulder for a second before jumping up to her feet.

"Henry! I haven't talked to him. I need to talk to him. I have to call him," she said in a panic. JJ couldn't remember where she'd left her phone. What if he had got sick or hurt? She couldn't believe she hadn't talked to him yet. She took a few aimless steps, and started biting her nails.

Seeing how anxious she was, Hotch got up and pulled her in a hug.

"Honey, it's way past his bedtime, he's probably already sleeping. You can call him first thing tomorrow," Hotch reassured her. "How about we do the same? Tomorrow is going to be a long day." She looked at him quizzically. What was happening tomorrow?

"You have your psych evaluation… It's just a formality, so they can sign for your time off. It was what you agreed on when you refused to go to the hospital yesterday." He looked down at her.

"But, but I'm fine!" She shouted clearly distressed. "I don't need to go. I don't even need time off!"

"Oh, come on, Jay. A few weeks off with Henry here at home. It'll do you both some good. Besides, they're only going to ask you a couple of questions. Like I said, it's only a formality. You know how it goes."

She sighed. There was nothing she could do about it, and she knew it. The younger agent grumbled her disagreement as she made her way to the bed. She slipped under the covers, and patted the mattress beside her. Hotch got in bed next to her, and kissed her goodnight.

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**AN:** If you could just take a few seconds to review this chapter. Let me know if you think I should continue or not… As I'm not really sure if anyone is enjoying it or not. Thank you!


	5. Chapter 5

**AN:** I am so sorry it took me so long to get this out, finals and all. I wanted to have it out last night, but I had been out all day, and I was so tired when I wrote this, I wanted to be able to read it over this morning to make sure it wasn't uber crap… which I hope it isn't. Let me know if you see any mistakes! Now that I'm done with this semester, I should be able to get chapters out more regularly.

Special thank you to: JJmyst, guest(s), rainbow and bklyngirl. To everyone who has favorite/follow. It really means a lot!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own _Criminal Minds_ or its characters!

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The next morning, Hotch woke up to an empty bed. He rolled onto his back and glanced at the clock: 7:00am. He was surprised JJ wasn't still in bed as she was always the one hitting snooze in the morning. Between their FBI and parenting jobs, it wasn't often that they got to sleep in in the morning, and he knew JJ usually jumped on any opportunities to get extra sleep. Her appointment with Dr. Vance was only at 11:30am, and it was only a 25 minute drive at best. Still plenty of time to get ready.

The older agent found her sitting on the couch; she had a cup of coffee in one hand, and the remote in the other. Her hair was dishevelled and her eyes glassy. Taking in her appearance, Hotch wondered if she had slept at all. She didn't even seem to notice when he walked into the living room. Aware that she was on edge lately, he approached her slowly. Finally, she registered his presence, and looked up at him.

"Good morning," she said, offering a small smile.

"Morning." He bent down towards her to kiss her. "How long have you been up?"

She looked at him sheepishly. "Since 11pm last night?" She was waiting for a reprimand that never came. "I actually brought in all the Ikea boxes in last night and built most of the kids' new bed overnight."

Hotch stared at her wide-eyed. "You did? I didn't hear anything! Some of those were heavy, JJ! Even for me. You shouldn't have given your…condition…" he trailed off. The agent knew the woman didn't like to be pitied or be seen as weak. He hoped his comment hadn't offended her, but she barely seemed to be paying attention to what he was saying. Something on the news had caught her attention.

Hotch turned around to see what it was. He read the captions on the screen. _Four Years Captive_: _Woman finally escaped_… before he could read further, JJ turned off the TV suddenly.

"Anyway, you're just going to have to make sure I didn't screw anything up, and then we can just put the mattresses on. I washed the sheets and the new comforters," she said as if their conversation hadn't been interrupted.

"Uh, yes, sure, I can do that," Aaron stammered. He wasn't sure what to make of the way JJ was acting. He was definitely getting worried, and he wasn't sure if he should talk to her about it, or give her a bit of time. Hotch supposed he should give her her space, she had always come to him when she needed to talk, or help to figure things out; he was confident this time wouldn't be any different.

* * *

JJ had driven to the office on automatic. She barely noticed when she pulled into her parking space. The spaces on both sides of her car were empty, which meant Morgan and Rossi weren't there yet. "_Well of course they aren't here, it's Saturday_," she thought. The entire team had got the weekend off, no matter what, considering the nature of their last case. She smiled at her pale reflection in her rear-view mirror. She looked exhausted. Her hair wasn't as smooth as it usually was, and she had over done her make-up in an attempt to hide the bruise on her cheek. JJ had wanted to going to her appointment alone. Hotch had insisted on going with her, saying he would pick up a couple of files while he waited for her, but she refused, telling him she could bring back the files home if he really needed them. In the end, he had backed off, and let her go on her own.

She didn't need him; she could do this on her own. She _got_ this. JJ plastered a smile on her face, gathered her things, and exited her car, walking to the building with a confident stride.

On the inside though, she was shaking. JJ didn't know why she was so nervous. She had met with Dr. Vance before. She decided to take the stairs as she didn't felt like being _trapped_ in the small elevator. It was only three floors up anyway.

She took a deep breath before rapping on the door. She heard a faint "come in" from the other side, and JJ entered the small and dark office.

"Agent Jareau," the frail man greeted her. He got up, and extended his hand.

JJ shook it cordially before saying, "Please, call me JJ."

They both sat down. Dr. Vance opened her file, and he skimmed through it.

"So, Agent Ja – JJ, if I'm getting this right, you are here today so we can sign the forms; SSA Aaron Hotchner is requesting a two week paid vacation. Do you agree with this?"

"Vacation?" she scoffed in spite of herself. JJ was getting angry. Did he really think she would be having a good time during these weeks off? It hadn't been three days, and it was already hell. There, she admitted it to herself. "I actually don't think I need that much time off."

"Agent Jareau, you have been kidnapped by a known sadistic killer and an ex-colleague of yours. From what I've read in your report, you've been tortured, and threatened with death. Nobody would think any less of you if you did take more than two weeks. How have you been feeling? Sleeping well?" he asked sincerely concerned.

JJ shifted in her seat. "I haven't been sleeping that well, to be honest," she confessed.

"It is quite normal to experience nightmares in the first few weeks following a trauma," he reassured her. "Are you feeling anxious?"

"A bit, but I've dealt with this before. I'm fine really."

"I'm going to prescribe you some pills for the anxiety. It will help you sleep better. If you'd like, we could meet again in a week, and see where we stand. How does that sound?" Dr. Vance asked her.

"Sure, that sounds great," she agreed, hoping if she did she'd be out of there sooner. JJ had no intention of taking any medications. She could deal with this on her own.

After he was done warning her of the potential PTSD symptoms JJ might have, and what to do in case she experienced any of them, the young woman left the office hastily with a prescription in her hand. She was glad the old man cared more about his retirement plans than the agents he was seeing.

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As soon as the woman left the building, she felt her chest tightening. She picked up her pace, struggling not to start running to her vehicle. JJ closed the car door and leaned her head on the headrest, closing her eyes. Her heart was hammering against her ribcage, her breathing was laboured, and she had no idea why. She was so tired, and couldn't shake the feeling that someone was watching her. She didn't understand the shift in her attitude. Why had she panicked? Sleep. She wanted to sleep. Eyeing the yellow paper that she had shoved in her handbag moments ago, JJ took a deep breath, and started the engine. The resolve she had felt back in Dr. Vance's office had melted, and she drove to the closest CVS.

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**AN:** Thank you for reading! If you could take the time to review it would mean a lot to me!

Please let me know what you'd like to see in this story. I have a good idea of where I want to take this fic, but I can try to please you guys.

Feel free to follow me on twitter/tumblr. The links are in my profile.

I'm also looking for someone who likes to make fan art… I have a fanmix in the making and I would love if someone could make a "cover"! Thank you!


	6. Chapter 6

**AN:** I'm so sorry for the delay. Writer's block wouldn't go away. I hadn't planned this chapter to go into that direction, but that's where my muse took me, so hopefully you'll like it. It's unbeta-ed, so all mistakes are mine.

Once again, thank you to everyone who took to the time to review the last chapters, and people who are following this story. I'll try my best to update more regularly, but I'm not going to promise anything since every time I do, something happens!

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It was around 2:30 in the afternoon when JJ got home. She didn't try to find Hotch; she went up the stairs, and into their bathroom. Rummaging through her purse, JJ found the orange little bottle she was looking for, and shook two pills out. As she stared at the round tablets in her hand, JJ felt a wave of shame submerging her. This wasn't who she was. The Jennifer she knew would never even think about taking these pills, she never would have got them in the first place. So why had she? Was she not the same person anymore? As the questions whirled in her head, she peered at her reflection, trying to find traces of her old self. When JJ finally found the courage to look herself in the eye, all she saw was fear and exhaustion. She wanted to call out to Hotch, tell her boyfriend she needed him, that she felt lost and scared, but that wasn't who she was, or who she had been. Jennifer Jareau was a lone soldier, and this was just another kind of fight. Closing her eyes and tilting her head back, she swallowed those two pills without a second thought. A new war had just begun, and if she had to battle with evil once more, she didn't think she could do it sober.

Taking a step back from the mirror, from herself, JJ felt a sob rise in her throat. Without warning, tears started to spill down her cheeks. She cried violently, but in silence. Voicing her pain would make it real, and she wasn't ready for it. As the tears flowed, she found it harder and harder to breathe. Doubling over onto her knees, and trying to catch her breath, JJ didn't hear Aaron coming into the room.

"Jennifer?" Hotch said, as he kneeled down next to her, and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her in his lap, "What's wrong, honey? Talk to me." His voice was soft, loving.

She wanted to admit it right there, that she felt defeated. That she couldn't compartmentalize what had happened to her, that she wasn't strong enough. But the fear of disappointing him was paralysing. She couldn't lose him, not to Hastings; he had already taken too much from her. Finding some strength in his embrace, JJ tried her best to regain some sort of composure.

"Jayj?" Aaron said again, hoping she would finally open up to him.

"I…I just haven't been sleeping that well," she told him, trying to hold back the sobs bubbling in her throat. She had wanted to sound casual, to fool him into thinking this was just a silly crying fit brought on by lack of sleep, but she didn't even convince herself.

"I'm tired, Hotch. I'm so tired, but when I close my eyes, he's all I see," she muttered, finally letting it out. JJ buried her face in his chest, clutching his shirt, and wept. All the agent could do was hold her close, and tell her she was safe now, that he would never let anything happen to her again.

After a while, her sobs subsided, and turned into sniffles. Her breathing calmed to a regular, slow rhythm, but Hotch didn't loosen his hold on her. He kissed the top of her head once more, murmuring how much he loved her, and how strong she was. Aaron felt her slowly relaxed into him, and he sighed, relieved that she was finally getting a moment of relative peace. He suspected that her appointment had been tough on her, and Hotch mentally cursed himself for not being more insistent about going with her. His back was starting to ache from the awkward position he was in, so he slumped back against the side of the tub, gently pulling her back with him.

Glancing up, toward the sink, Hotch spotted the new pill container. It wasn't like JJ to rely on any medication, heck she even refused to take Tylenol when she had a headache. He squinted, trying to see the label. His doctor had prescribed the same thing to him when Haley died, but he had refused to take any more when Jack had woken up in the middle of the night, and Hotch had barely been able to shake the drowsiness. He was wondering why she had even filled the script, but then again, why had he? Desperation. Was that how she felt? He instinctively tightened his hold on her, wanting to protect her, shield her from her own demons. At the same moment, JJ released the grip she had on his shirt, and her head lolled forward.

Aaron felt his pulse quickened; had she taken any of those pills? He knew too well how overwhelming anxiety could be, how tempting they were, had she wanted to make it stop, for good? He couldn't believe that JJ would do something like that, but nobody can never truly know how someone is going to respond to such a level of stress.

"Jennifer?" he said, gently shaking her. She moaned sleepily.

"Have you taken any of those pills, sweetie?"

"I'm sorry, I'm just so tired," JJ muttered, nuzzling into his neck. Her action reassured him somewhat.

"You have no reason to be sorry, Jen. It's okay to be tired, let's get you into bed, you'll feel better," he reassured her. Hotch slowly rose to his feet, careful not to lose his balance as he picked her up. JJ groaned in discomfort, the movement hurting her bruised ribs, but she fell back asleep, her head resting on Hotch's chest. Aaron winced at the sound.

"I'm sorry, Jen," he whispered, kissing her forehead. The tall man laid her carefully on their bed, and tucked her in. He made his way back to the bathroom, where he picked up the pill bottle. He shook its content into the palm of his hand, and counted them. Only two were missing. Running his hands over his face, he exhaled deeply. Hotch walked back into the room, and climbed in bed behind JJ. He draped a protective arm around her, and reassured she was, in that moment, okay, he allowed himself to close his eyes.

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** AN:** Reviews are greatly appreciated :)


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